Wednesday, March 24, 2010


I looked at the bear and smiled. His grizzled face was all teeth and fur, but I was not afraid. I didn't run, curl up into a ball or try and spray bear mace in his stupid face. Instead I slowly raised my right hand and waited the appropriate few seconds before saying "Dude don't leave me hanging". The bear fell onto his four paws and grunted at me, before bouncing back upright and slamming his paw into my hand. There was no satisfying slapping sound as it wasn't really skin on skin, and he damn near tore my arm off, but holy crap, it must have been the greatest high five of my life. "So...." I continued, thinking this bonding moment gave me some level of camaraderie with this hairy beast " like gaming?". The bear dropped to all fours again and made a thoughtful rrrr sound, much like a confused dog might. He stepped forward and I resisted the mighty powerful urge to back off (the effort of which made sweat break out down my back) and then circled around. He wandered off back into his cave and I breathed out in amazement and relief. I picked up my shit and turned before I heard a roar. It was the bear berating me. He had a wiimote in his mouth.


Friday, February 26, 2010

Feel Better

Imagine a lake. You are standing on the shore barefoot, luxuriating in the dewy glorious grass on your skin and the sunshine on your face. You stare at the water and feel peace. It's cool and calm and still. It makes you shiver with it's infinite complexity and unity. The light reflects and gets you in the eye for but a moment. When you look back you see a fish swimming on its own near the surface. It is ambling back and forward, seemingly aimlessly. It darts this way and that, up and down. You don't know how but you can tell this fish is happy. It comes closer and you see a flash of green in front of it. It's a huge frog with purple spots on it's back. Its paddling in short quick bursts in front of the fish, dashing left and right. You worry for the frogs safety for a moment with the fish in pursuit and then contemplate how the fish could eat a frog that big. Does it have teeth? You feel a splash on your bare feet and the frog jumps out on the shore in front of you. He looks up at you and flicks out his giant tongue. Is he mocking you? The fish is a few feet away floating motionless, swaying with the minor current. He must be really hungry for this frog you think. Just then the frog ribbits loudly and jumps back in the water. Plop! He slaps the fish with his freaky hand and the fish swims off. Idly. The fish swims back and forth and the frog chases. They make a big loop in front of you, tumbling up and down in the water, appearing and disappearing under the blanket of liquid gold. They pause when they are in front of you and the frog ribbits again loudly while floating. His tongue flicks out once more and this time you are sure he's being cheeky. You suddenly realise with your whole being that they are playing it and they want you to join. A smile cracks your face and your soul wide open and you jump in the water. It's warm. You're happy. All is well.

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

The Revolution

The revolution will not be televised, because we cut the television cables and shot down the satellites. Seemed like a massive waste of time, research and military apparatus, because without television no-one knew there was a revolution going on, so no one joined in. So we didn't reach critical mass, and the people didn't rise up as one - they just started looting once they realised the police were otherwise engaged. We took over the Houses of Parliament, but there were few MPs there, so when we announced that we had taken power it seemed like a hollow and meaningless victory as no one heard us. Someone suggested using Twitter, so we executed them immediately. Of course the military soon stepped in, as once the powerful television lobby realised that the internet was becoming our main form of entertainment (even in the short run) it searched out the remaining MPs and got them to agree to martial law. So in the end we were first against the wall.

The consequences of us rising up to take the power back was that this countries civil liberties were eroded further for many years in an attempt to curb this sort of futile rebellion in future.

The next revolution will not be televised either. It will be on the internet though.

Wednesday, February 03, 2010

Drinker's Remorse

I'm a poison
That creeps under your skin
I'm a rot
That start's when you begin
I'm a darkness
That wells up deep inside
I'm a fear
From which you cannot hide

I'm a sickness
That's breaking you down
I'm a disease
That's making you drown
I'm a hunger
That makes you want bad
I'm a need
That destroys all you had

I need help
But more than you can give
I need hope
That someday you can forgive
I need life
To give me a fucking break
I need last night
To not be a mistake

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

A series of jokes written for Giants that only they would understand

An Englishman, an Irishman, a Scotsman and a Giant are all standing around talking about Quantum Physics. The Englishman says "Once Cern is working properly, everything will change". Just then a plane flies past and distracts the Giant, and when he turns back to continue the discussion, he realises he is all alone.

Two Giants walk into a pub. The first one says to the Bartender "Where've you gone then?"

A Giant goes to the doctor and says "Doctor, Doctor, I feel like I've accidentally crushed to death everyone I've ever known or loved". The Doctor says nothing.

"Knock Knock"

Monday, November 16, 2009

This years New Year's resolutions are gonna be sweet

Hot diggity, it's almost the new year. I would say that this year has flown by, but really it's this decade that's disappeared down the toilet without time to regret the flush. I remember the Millenium New Years like it was yesterday. Or last year at least. But not 10 years ago, no fucking way.

Anyway I digress and as I have an important announcement to make, I gotta stick to my point, so listen up motherfuckers. From next year until 2013, there are no consequences to your actions. No-one will remember them, no-one will talk about them, they essentially won't exist and by implication will never have happened. You know why? Because this decade was the noughties, and soon we'll be in the teens of this new millennium, but we don't have a word for 10-12 years old (and don't say tweens, as the Tweenies has blurred that definition well past being salvageable). And if you can't describe it, you can't talk about it.

So when we reminisce in years to come about life at the dawn of the third and final millennium we'll all be like "Remember the noughties! Ahh weren't they exciting times. Shame they ended in the recession, but that nationwide jumble sale at the end of '09 really sorted that out. And then the Teens! Remember the day Obama challenged Palin to a cage match and whopped her silly? Or when Ussain Bolt hit 8ft 6' and finally admitted to eating those magic beans? That shit was awesome". See no mention of 2010-2012 at all.

Get ready for some motherfucking, totally awesome complete historical anonymity. I'm sure there will be times for us all in the coming few years when you think "Maybe I shouldn't be doing this, maybe someone will remember and call me up on it later", but don't heed those times. I'm telling you, we're free from all responsibility for the foreseeable future. Start tunneling into your neighbors house and annexing rooms while they sleep. Start releasing hamsters into the sewers in massive numbers so they overtake rats as the rodent of this millennium. Get morbidly obese or anorexically skinny and blame it on organic food. Say "Hot diggity" at the beginning and end of everything you say. Wear a blind fold and walk around with your hands out feeling your way into dangerous and regrettable situations. But have no regrets! As soon enough, you won't remember when or even if you did all these things you would otherwise be ashamed of.

We're finally free, hot diggity!

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

I Fucking Love It

So for once the public seems outraged in the right direction. The army is telling the BNP to fuck off and stop damaging their image, the equality commission is making the BNP make membership open to anyone of any race, and Gordon Brown is saying he could take them in a fight (verbal of course). On top of that, people are jumping on the bandwagon to call the Daily Mail (or at least one of it's top bitches) homophobic because of some shite she wrote. There is even a goddamn petition that people are signing, apparently without having read the article. Hoo ra.

I don't think I can remember another time when the people being backed into a corner by the press were scum. It's always "the BBC did this" or "Labour did that". For once, for one beautiful moment (now), the BNP and the Daily Mail are taking flak. Fuck yeah. Nice one media bastards, you kick some ass.

Now all we need is for someone to come out with proof and a causal theory that says that all BNP members read the Daily Mail and we can finally shit all over them as one. And oh what a wonderful day that will be.