Monday, May 02, 2005

Spiderman, spiderman, does whatever a spider can. Dickhead.

I don't know how to properly explain my fear of spiders. The way I deal with them however, is clear. I kill them as quickly and cleanly as I can, then there's no problem. I don't mind really little one's, but any indoors, abnormally large ones or ones which get a web on my face deserve to die. The ones that crawl on you when you're outside is a split decision as it depends on what the spider's intent appears to be.

When I went to Thailand it was a serious killing spree. It was great as well because I had allies in the form of lizards munching insects everywhere too. That was until the jungle. I saw, well barely saw as the bastard had wicked camouflage, a spider that would cover my head if I walked into it. And I probably would have considering the photo's we took of it are generally thought of as pictures of us staring in fear into empty space as if a ghost or vampire was there and didn't show up on film. I wasn't afraid of spiders when I was little, but now I often dream of them or at least specifically one metal 8 legged bastard which can move really fast and turns up in any dream and instantly turn it into a chase b-movie. Damn spiders.

If there was a vote, people would blatantly chose to have all spiders eliminated. As long as the rest of the eco system could cope obviously. Perhaps if we wiped out enough other species, we could get rid of all spiders without forever damaging the sacred food chain. So.... they eat flies, so we could wipe them out too I suppose as no-one will really miss them. But then whatever flies eat would have too much breeding potential. What do flies eat? Shit? Hmm... well we certainly don't want any more of that around. Well what eats spiders? Birds mainly I suppose in this country. So if there were no spiders there would be less birds and more flies. The birds could eat the flies I suppose, that would even things out. Eureka! And birds have obviously evolved for this task, what with their fly scooping beaks and their ability to fly, so the eternal destruction of spiders is just the chance they need to try out their skills. See, that's what the election should be about. Real issues for real people. Like a mass extermination of spiders. It would be fun. It would be satisfying.

So why am I afraid? Well when I was young, my brother picked up a pair of trousers and then dropped them and jumped away because there was a spider in them apparently. I had no fear of spiders up until them, I had no opinion at all, but seeing him jump didn't fill me with happy expectations from this tiny monster. He made me pick up and move the trousers. I don't think the terror of the moment dawned on me until later, but it lasted. Hey I guess I could explain my fear of spiders after all. And without saying fuck at all.



Anonymous Fre said...

im scared of spiders because they have so many goddamm eyes, how can any kind of natural brain cope with seeing all that shit at the same time? help!

4:31 PM  

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