Thursday, June 02, 2005

(iii) The man with the hat said I’ll stop when I get some crack

“So where is it then? I’m tired of trekking round this stupid fucking country. I don’t even care what time it is. If we don’t find it in the next twenty minutes then we’re giving up”

“Twenty minutes! I though you said you didn’t care what time it is. Anyway, we’re still like 8 hours ahead so that twenty minutes won’t expire until tomorrow”

“Why did I ever agree to this? You said London would be fun. Better than Thanks-Giving turkey you said. All we’ve got so far is hungry and lost.”

“Well that’s because you won’t ask for directions and you got us kicked out of McDonalds for complaining and you’ve got that thing about not betraying Ronald with the Colonel so don’t blame me. Oh wait, there’s someone, maybe they can give us directions. He’s wearing a uniform so he must know. Excuse me! EXCUSE ME!”

“Uh yes… are you talking to me?”

“Yeah I was. I was wondering if you could help us. Me and my husband were looking for a museum, but we can’t seem to find it. If you just give me a minute I’ll get my map out of my fanny pack and maybe you can try and help us…”

“I’m sorry sir, my wife doesn’t know what she’s saying, we’re not lost, I was just taking a break from navigating for a minute. You know how it is don’t you buddy, when your wife is nagging you and won’t let up”

“Um… no not really…. Wait a minute that’s your wife? Oh! I thought her tits were rolls of flab! Oh sorry mate. I thought you were just a really badly dressed gay couple”

“Yes I’ve got the map now. We’re looking for this giant clock that London is so famous for. Giant George or something. Which museum is it in? We’ve been to the the Tate, but the guy at the…. Stop that right now! Let that poor man go! I know he’s English but still honey I think you’re hurting him…”

“Damn tootin I’m hurting him. He’s lucky I wasn’t allowed to bring my gun with me. YOU SNOOTY BRITISH! YOU’RE ALL THE SAME! THINK YOU’RE SO SUPERIOR!”

“P l e a s e siiiiiir reeeeelllaease meeeeee. Itttttsss nooottt giiiannnt geeorrgge itttsss biiiiiiiiiggg beeee…….”

“He won’t tell us where it is now. Oh lord, I think he’s not breathing. Let’s get out of here. I saw on Nightline that the British police aren’t near as deadly as our boys, we can make a break for it”

“I saw that too. I’m not sure that is an official uniform anyway, it just doesn’t look right with that skirt, even if they do call it a kilt here. No one will miss this limey”

“Stop! Police! Oh fuck it. I can’t be bothered to chase those fat fucks. Let’s see who they’ve roughed up. Oh no…. not you again…



Anonymous kaffie said...

You know what, mcdonalds isnt as good here as it is in america. There, the chocolate milkshakes do taste like they've got milk in, not mashed potato. I dont see why there has to be a difference.

Like, why is british coke sweeter than french coke? Or atleast i am told this is true. And why does guiness taste different in ireland? There's no reason why they couldnt make it the same... i mean maybe we are just willing to put up with more, or nationally have a sweeter tooth, but at the same time we're being denied authenticity. I dont know where i'm going with this, so i'll stop.

12:29 PM  
Blogger Justin said...

coke is different in different countries because they use different water to make it. guiness tastes different in ireland because they put mashed potato in it. they don't put mashed potato in milkshakes in the us because they have genetically modified potatoes to only come in chip form, so it wouldn't make sense to mash them.

10:09 PM  
Anonymous k said...

you're so clever... i dont know what i'd do if i didnt have you to set me straight on these things.

12:53 PM  

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