Monday, September 26, 2005

Don't just look at me, smile back

In these times that I call mine, I’ve seen far more fun than beauty. I’ve drunk and smoked and laughed my own age tenfold. I’ve smiled wide at things that had only a hidden funny side. I’ve screamed out loud my mirth to make life laugh with me. But then there’s beauty. I’ve seen my saddened mother rejoice and marry. I’ve seen my friends smile with restraint knowing that the joy they feel cannot be explained with mere words. I’ve seen the sky open and swallow the sun, only to let it go again after missing the colours it’s imbued upon the world. I’ve seen foreign climes and foreign words unfold before me and known what they meant even if I didn’t understand what they mean. I’ve seen a lot. But most of it wasn’t real.

I was brought up by television basically. I watched and watch the flickering images on the screen and laugh and cry along with them. I have been told that if you see yourself watching television, you can watch it no more as the image of your zombie face will stop you craving the distraction. But not me. I watch and I learn and I love and I yearn just as if the screen were a videophone letting me in on something far away that I would miss if I didn’t look. I need to see what’s there, because if I don’t then it may all be gone without a trace before I notice it. Just like real life.

I travelled a train the other day sitting on the floor. There were seats available, but I sat on the moving ground anyway. Each stop that came the door hummed upon and the world appeared anew. A new view came and a new segment of life was shown to me. And then taken away. It was nothing. But it was beautiful. I could have licked the door in congratulations of its beautiful trick had it not been so filthy. But then I shouldn’t really lick things to congratulate them.

The TV and me have no bond. I shout at it, and it just sits there, ignoring my cries. I tell the hero to think about his actions, and he ignores me and carries on. I tell the villain he can repent and he does no such thing. I tell Lynn Scully she’s a stupid bitch, but she heeds not my words. I tell my friends I a joke, and they laugh.

Real life is so much harder and so much easier than I ever expected. Than I could have ever been told. You can try your hardest and get nowhere, or you can sit back and relax and it all turns out fine. I smile sometimes and the world smiles with me. I laugh sometimes and the world laughs at me. I cry sometimes and no one looks at me. It’s hard. It’s different. But at least it means something.

I saw a pigeon drop out of the sky in front of me once and flutter on the floor unto its death. I saw a pigeon have sex with another and then run from its conquest. I saw a pigeon make love to another and then coo and preen with it, until they could both fly away together. Whichever one of these you want your life to be, don’t ever forget that the choice is yours. I’ve seen more fun than beauty in my life, but maybe fun is beautiful. Maybe.


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