Monday, December 12, 2005

To Sleep

I really wish I was dead right now. I could do with a rest. If I only I would be conscious to enjoy it, that coffin would be a joy to live in. Well die in. Or be dead in. Whatever.

But I can’t put my faith in death being like sleep, so I gotta keep going. I said from before the start that 2005 was gonna suck. And it has. Really really badly. Been a surprisingly good year for films though. Swings and roundabouts I suppose.

Doesn’t life suck when stuff happens to you that you have no control over. I mean you’re carrying on with your life and then suddenly something happens and everything is fucked for some period of time. And sometimes you can’t tell people about it, so then you start acting weird. And that effects them and the ripples spread.

Or sometimes you do something and to you it means nothing, but to the person you do it to it means a lot. And you change something in them forever, without spending a single thought on it. This is ok when you change them for the better, but it’s frickin terrible when you change them for the worse. Or they ask you about something that you know that you’re in no position to talk about, but you do anyway and you somehow make things worse. When all you really wanted was to stay the same.

The same. Or to change but keep parts of yourself. Or to change entirely. All of these roads are fucking hard to walk down. Sometimes reputations outlive their applications. Sometimes they underlive them. Sometimes you do stuff over and over again and think that people will have noticed or that it will have mattered, but in actuality it’s only you. So you might as well stop. But if you stop then you’ve given in. And you should never give in.

Except when you’re wrong. And who really knows when they are wrong? I love being proved wrong, but at the same time I know I’m pretty condescending so I must seem like I always think I’m right. But I don’t. I know I’m as fallible as everyone else. Everyone else doesn’t seem to think they’re as fallible as me though. I take time to stop and think what in my life I’m wrong about often. It seems to me that other people don’t like to do this. And if I tell them to, they get angry. I suppose it’s a case of arrogance. Probably my arrogance. I’d like to think everyone’s. But if I say that, you’ll get mad. Because no-one likes to think they’re wrong about how they are acting in general.

Which is why no-one will ever think of themselves as the bad guy. In films it’s so black and white usually. But in real life we have to wait for history to judge, and as it’s written by the winner, we really are fucked for the truth. When it comes down to people though, we just each have to think if we’re doing what we think is right. And it’s hard. If you always try to be nice, and other people aren’t nice to you, should you be mean back? If you do something to someone, should you consider their feelings before or after or at all? If you have done something unrelated to someone, yet they seem upset by it, should you dismiss them for interfering or listen for next time?

But there won’t be a next time. Because every moment is different. You just have to choose what it is you want to do, and who it is you want to be in each of them. I just have to choose what it is I want to do, and who it is I want to be in each of them.

And right now, I wish I was dead.


Blogger Dee said...

wow sounds like if you're aiming this at anyone in particular, you're probably just making the situation worse. especially by putting it on the information superhighway so that potentially millions can read it, including people close to all those involved.

you seem to talk a lot about how u think about things you have done wrong etc. but when you admit to yourself you are wrong, do you try to change yourself for the better? all the admitting your infallibility in the world comes to nothing if you don't improve yourself for the sake of the people around you.

In addition, sometimes it is better to be dead than to be a burden to those around you, especially if you don't appreciate what people do for you. that sounds harsh i know, but then so is posting a self pity sick post for all to see. of course no one wishes you were dead. but this is the reaction you are provoking by your actions.

12:00 PM  
Blogger Dee said...

furthermore, some contructive advice. maybe u should consider some volunteer work abroad or something. they do 2 week projects so you wouldnt have to dedicate too much of your smoking up time. i think it would help you put things into perspective if you actually saw what it is like to have a hard life. you will instantly feel better as you realise your problems are relatively insignificant and definately not life threatening. then you will truly be able to overcome your issues and make something of your life

12:10 PM  
Blogger Justin said...

no one reads this blog. i've checked the statistics. and no one would associate it to you if you hadn't written that.

so u wish i was dead or gone. that's nice.

1:06 AM  
Blogger Fred said...

"of course no one wishes you were dead"

4:37 PM  
Blogger Justin said...

"sometimes it is better to be dead than to be a burden to those around you"

considering this mainly isn't about you, that's probably the worst thing that anyone has ever said to me.

5:06 PM  
Anonymous emma said...

have i missed something??
it's christmas, people!

8:42 AM  
Blogger Dee said...

i stand by everything i said, as do u im sure justin. like i said and freddy requoted for me, i dont wish u were dead. my point is that this blog is melodramatic and blatantly meant to cause offense and hurt to us. therefore it proves that u have no real desire to resolve this. this discredits everything u have to say and makes us just not care anymore

justin enough mutual friends read this blog to make it a stupid idea to post details about private arguements on here. me and freddy respected u enough to not talk to anyone about it. it would have been nice if u could have done the same. but as u didnt, and posted this for all to see, i believe i am well within my rights to respond to ur blog.

grow up and deal with the consequences of ur actions. people will treat u as u treat them, and if u disrespect them and are hurtful to them, chances are they will do the same back to you.

1:08 PM  
Blogger Justin said...

"If you have done something unrelated to someone, yet they seem upset by it, should you dismiss them for interfering or listen for next time?"

this is literally the only line that is specifically about you. this isn't all about you. get over it.

2:51 PM  
Anonymous kathy said...

i liked it. made me think.

8:00 AM  

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