Saturday, October 28, 2006

Post Boozing Depression

I don’t know why but recently, I can’t shake the feeling that I’m being an asshole. I try to be nice all the time, but it just doesn’t seem to work. I keep finding myself giving me pep talks. Telling myself that I just need to get back to who I am. Who I really am. Or at least who I was. The guy who had a lot of friends. The guy who everyone thought was funny, and very few disliked. That guy went away a along time ago, but I remember being him, because he’s me.

Things have shaken me up recently. I’ve been a mess trying to get my head around all the little bits of shit that have been flung at me. So I try and go back to who I want to be, and sometimes I think I’m there, but then I talk to someone and almost instantly I think “Why the fuck did I say that?” and clam up. It may just be confidence based paranoia but often it is fully justified, as I say some mean motherfucking shit sometimes. So I guess maybe I am a bastard. Maybe. I hope not. I keep trying not to be.

I miss my friends. I can’t seem to connect with them anymore and I think that’s my main problem. I keep so much stuff inside these days that I feel a need to deflect all the time, so if someone asks me about something I don’t want to talk about, I just say something mean. And often I don’t even mind talking about it, it’s just because I haven’t up til now so I have subconsciously assigned it as a secret and so try to defend it, often by being a dickhead about someone else. And it makes me feel sick.

Bleugh. That’s me. Bleugh. And I don’t know how to get better. But I suppose tomorrow is another day, Nurofen Plus is on its way, and soon I probably won’t be so goddamned hungover.


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