Wednesday, March 26, 2008

I love the dutch

Receptionist: I’m sorry, you have booked a non-smoking room

Us: But we want to smoke

Receptionist: Well then I give you permission to smoke *hands over ashtray*. I’m sorry for saying you could not smoke.

True story.

Monday, March 17, 2008

Home School

“I don’t think so” cried the old lumberjack to the little bear and wolf “Enough’s enough”. They had been stealin his fixin’s see and the lumberjack needed fixings to have the energy to cut down the “green menace” as he called it. Especially at his age. And a hungry lumberjack was mean lumberjack.

So when these two young rustlers started taking kindly to his dinner he got mad. He shouted at them and he chased them round the table and he told them that they oughta be strung up, regardless of their animal and youthful nature.

The little bear and the wolf ran and ran as fast as they could, but they never ran away. They just kept going in circles around the table, until the old lumber jack passed out from exhaustion. And then they went wild. They jumped up and down on his fat belly like a trampoline. They played lumberjack with his axe and braces. They restacked the wood so it spelt out rude creatures names. They even staked down his long white moustache and beard, so when he finally struggled free he’d be real mad and chase them again.

To the little bear and wolf this was the best schooling they ever had. Their respective parents had gotten tired of getting bad results from them at bear and wolf school (respectively) so had sent their kids on this extra tuition class. And boy did these kids love it. They became great at running and chasing and stealing food. And juggling axes, which if you know anything about bears and wolves, is a firm favourite.

The lumberjack got madder and madder, of course, with all these young animals coming into his house and pestering him, but he never did catch any. Years later, when being interviewed after being rescued from a well, the lumberjack said he had got bored down there without anything to get mad at and chase.


Monday, March 10, 2008

Interview with a fool

I don’t wanna do this,
I don’t wanna go,
I don’t have to go,
I don’t think I should go,
I don’t wanna do this,
I don’t wanna go,
I don’t have to go,
I don’t think I should go,
I really don’t think I should go,
I’ve got to go
What am I? A coward?

Possibly, but it still makes no sense not to go. An interview’s an interview whether you think you can handle it or not. Just treat it like one of those days at uni where you had to attend and hand something in, or else you were kicked out. Just hand something in. Anything is better than nothing.

So I went, and it went alright. And then they said “So how would you keep in touch with youth culture?” and I said “Don’t worry, I’m down with the kids.”

With their hippity hoppity music. And their skinny latte jeans. And their jve trky txt spk. And all that bizzle and shizzle. And their hoods up on their i-pod nano musical box players. Nice one Justin. That beats that time you responded to the polite end-of-interview-question (that you had in the bag) “Did it take you long to get here?” with “Nah it only took fucking 20 minutes”.

You is the man at freestyling interviews!