Monday, November 16, 2009

This years New Year's resolutions are gonna be sweet

Hot diggity, it's almost the new year. I would say that this year has flown by, but really it's this decade that's disappeared down the toilet without time to regret the flush. I remember the Millenium New Years like it was yesterday. Or last year at least. But not 10 years ago, no fucking way.

Anyway I digress and as I have an important announcement to make, I gotta stick to my point, so listen up motherfuckers. From next year until 2013, there are no consequences to your actions. No-one will remember them, no-one will talk about them, they essentially won't exist and by implication will never have happened. You know why? Because this decade was the noughties, and soon we'll be in the teens of this new millennium, but we don't have a word for 10-12 years old (and don't say tweens, as the Tweenies has blurred that definition well past being salvageable). And if you can't describe it, you can't talk about it.

So when we reminisce in years to come about life at the dawn of the third and final millennium we'll all be like "Remember the noughties! Ahh weren't they exciting times. Shame they ended in the recession, but that nationwide jumble sale at the end of '09 really sorted that out. And then the Teens! Remember the day Obama challenged Palin to a cage match and whopped her silly? Or when Ussain Bolt hit 8ft 6' and finally admitted to eating those magic beans? That shit was awesome". See no mention of 2010-2012 at all.

Get ready for some motherfucking, totally awesome complete historical anonymity. I'm sure there will be times for us all in the coming few years when you think "Maybe I shouldn't be doing this, maybe someone will remember and call me up on it later", but don't heed those times. I'm telling you, we're free from all responsibility for the foreseeable future. Start tunneling into your neighbors house and annexing rooms while they sleep. Start releasing hamsters into the sewers in massive numbers so they overtake rats as the rodent of this millennium. Get morbidly obese or anorexically skinny and blame it on organic food. Say "Hot diggity" at the beginning and end of everything you say. Wear a blind fold and walk around with your hands out feeling your way into dangerous and regrettable situations. But have no regrets! As soon enough, you won't remember when or even if you did all these things you would otherwise be ashamed of.

We're finally free, hot diggity!


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